It’s a Can-demic

The last couple of summers I’ve reviewed canned wine for you, but these are hard times. They call for hard alcohol. Canned? Why not? I wanted to see what I could find. Please know these are just the mad musings of a former wannabe-ish mixologist turned somm returning to her potable past. To be fair, I decided to leave hard seltzer for a separate column all its own. No White Claw here. Also, for the most part I relied on stuff I could find at my various grocery and liquor stores. In hopes you could find them too. Also, I wasn’t sponsored by Cutwater I swear. Maybe if I mail ordered, I could have a little more variety of brand, but damn, Cutwater makes some fun canned things. They were EVERYWHERE, and hey, it would be cool if you could easily taste the stuff I review too. Oh, no. Have I become The Man or is this just survival? Can my taste buds be trusted? Try these and let me know. MARGARITAS Tried a few and only a couple are worth mentioning, but maybe for being quite different in style? Boulevard Brewing Co. Fling Craft Cocktails Margarita Recommend? Hell yah. But not if what you want is a margarita. This both smells and tastes like SO much of that key lime juice you can buy in a bottle at the supermarket—and I’m talking the glass bottles, not those little squeezy green lime–shaped containers. The key lime juice is a smell that can only be THAT smell, which I happen to love. I wish I got more of the “American agave spirit” it contains. I literally was tempted to add tequila to this. The ingredients besides the aforementioned “American Agave Spirit” include neutral spirit, lime juice (surely key lime?), sugar, salt, and “natural sweeteners and flavors”. I guess I’m missing the tequila-ness I want from a margarita. But is this yummy? Totally. Cutwater Spirits Margarita Yeah now THIS tastes more like a margarita; although, maybe I should taste from glass? Maybe I should garnish with salt? It is a hint too sweet. Will I find a goldilocks margarita? Who knows, but I like this better than the Fling albeit I am thinking the Fling would have its constituents. MAYBE I should mix the two. Part of what I like is I CAN taste the tequila (should that be a slogan?), and I almost feel like I get some ever so slight salty rim? At any rate I drank this and I’d drink it again. WHISKY Hochstadters Slow and Low Rock and Rye 84 Proof! OMG this is perilously tasty. I am maybe gonna sound like an asshole, but I can taste (I think?) American oak on this? Getting coconut vibes. But at 42% abv, I don’t know dudes, maybe this is whisky-brain talking. What exactly is it? It’s straight rye whiskey 100%, honey from PA. Air-dried navel oranges from FL. Angostura bitters and a pinch of rock candy. Apparently putting rock candy in whiskey was (is?) a thing. One of my favorites of the tasting. Boulevard Brewing Co. Fling Craft Cocktails Whiskey Mule I contemplated making “mules” a category all its own seeing a there is a Cutwater vodka one but…nah. This is properly made with: “neutral spirit”, rye whiskey, sugar, citric acid, lime juice, and "natural sweeteners and flavors". And oh my it tastes like extra spicy ginger ale (thinking my favorite Vernor’s with a bit of lime. The metallic sensation I get from drinking out of aluminum almost…accentuates the fun? I don’t know I like it. Siponey Royale Rye Whiskey with Honey Lemon and Sparkling Water Look if I were a hipster into LaCroix and saving bees I’d 100% be down and I’m not BUT as it happens, I am a Los Angeles-dweller into saving the world and also, I like refreshing fun cocktails so…this is GOOD, do it. And save bees. I like honey do you not? This is the right between heady whisky, a sweet whisky cocktail, and brightness n lightness. Heck it is good. RUM Bacardi Rum Punch “A Caribbean sunset in a can offering a unique blend of naturally fresh pineapple, sweet orange, and ripe mango flavor with a hint of passion fruit”. I’m annoyed at how much I like it. I normally think the cocktail connoisseur in me would turn my nose up at it, but I’m reviewing cans here, people. And this is fun. Sweet. Mostly pineapple-y, slight effervescent. Maybe I’d squeeze a lime in but I would squeeze a lime into almost any cocktail if we were to be being honest. PALOMA My loves do you know what a Paloma is? ‘Tis typically tequila, grapefruit juice, lime juice, and… okay here is where I see variation. Some people say grapefruit soda. For which I would maybe use Fresca. Ps love me a Fresca. But some use sparkling water and, plus probably simple syrup. Anyway this is the can I liked of it. I only got my hands on one more and it was meh, I’m so sorry I’m not trying to become a brand ambassador, but giving it to Cutwater again. Cutwater Spirits Tequila Paloma 100% blue agave from Jalisco—as it should be in my opinion but who am I? It has an odd cream soda vibe? But it just worked. I taste the tequila, I taste the grapefruit, and This Is Good. VODKA Cutwater Vodka Mule I WISH THEY WOULD STOP BEING SO TASTY dammit. So ginger-y, maybe that masks nuance I should be noticing? If I’ve resorted to canned cocktails, am I even worried about nuance? Dry, warming alcohol notes of ginger, cardamom allspice, white pepper and fun. And effervescence that is nom. I went to an event to celebrate Smirnoff’s invention of the Moscow Mule, and this can again reminds me I love this drink and I should have it more oft. OTHER Kahlua Espresso Martini Nitro cold brew yay. Have you had the nitro coffee fun? It’s super fun and hello! I kinda sorta love everything about this including the fact that they made Kahlua bougie (nitro cold brew!?) and bougier (suggested serving is pouring in a cocktail glass and letting the foam rise—nice!). Also I love the taste. And the texture. This is my favorite canned cocktail so far. Egads what does that say of me? I don’t know but if liking Kahlua and nitro cold-brew is wrong I guess I’m okay with being misguided. IN CONCLUSION All right folks, that’s my round up—as for shower cocktail? Ummm that’s a tough one. Probably the Siponey because the honey in it gives me flashbacks to making face masks of commonly found kitchen stuff as a preteen? So it seems appropriate for cleansing oneself? And also then I can save the bees just by luxuriating in a shower. Priorities.